Drew Curtis' FARK.com

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Tuesday, January 06, 2009

(The Register Citizen)	New mom celebrates birth of child by bringing newborn to local bar and breastfeeding while getting smashed. Forced sterilization tag unavailable	(5)
	North Carolina newspaper flourishes by only running mugshots and rap sheets of local criminals - and the biggest complaint its publisher gets is from perps complaining their photos didn't get printed	(14)
	Why wearing a wig is the most fashionable thing to do right now. This is not a repeat from 1675	(30)
(Some Virginian)	Six-year-old misses school bus, decides now is as good a time as any to take the family car out for a spin	(26)
	14 things that should have been left the hell alone. New Coke gets a bad rap, there I said it	(51)
	Check out the largest rack ever recorded for a non-typical American	(158)
(Some Farm Fresh Guy)	24 Things about to become extinct. #10 The Milkman? Are they still around? Oh, wait a minute, the link is from Iowa. That explains the crank telephone entry as well	(95)
(Deus Ex Malcontent)	Some of the stupidest things in 2008: #8 CNN's Farking Hologram Technology	(84)
	80-year-old woman banned from driving until the year 3000 (w/confused pic)	(75)
	Those headaches you've been having for the past three years could have been caused by many things, but I'm going with the 3 inch knife blade the hospital left in your head	(29)
	Woman calls 911 to have police arrest her after reading a newspaper story that said she was wanted for scamming a couple out of $300,000	(28)
	What your Homeland Security travel file may look like	(53)
	Judge warns 19-year-old street racer about what he can expect in prison: "You'll find big, ugly, hairy strong men (in jail) who've got faces only a mother could love that will pay a lot of attention to you -- and your anatomy"	(194)
	Brazilian towns are having a Christ-measuring contest. Jesus	(22)
	Photoshop Wolverine at Bathtime	(49)
(CBS 47)	Nine-year-old boy rescues little girl from attacking pit bull with jujitsu choke hold	(206)
(Some Guy)	Portland, OR police are looking for missing robot, missing robot is looking for Sarah Connor	(27)
	Abu Ghraib idiot Lynndie England, free but still stupid: "In New York..people say there's apartments there where people pay $1,500 a month for something smaller than a trailer. We only pay $200. And they look down on us"	(242)
	IndyStar readers lose their minds as paper drops decades-old Daily Prayer, called "a short ecumenical petition that is prayer at its most vanilla"	(101)
	Cash-strapped school system asks teachers to voluntarily return the pay raises they received last Spring	(68)
	Not sure what's worse, leaving a newborn baby with strangers at an airport, or being "suspended" because of it	(23)
	Not content with unconstitutional "DUI checkpoints", Florida troopers plan to pull people over for no reason at all	(179)
	Canadian marooned in dunes of Khartoum since June, swoons for loons and Saskatoon	(40)
	CIA has to help Britain monitor its Muslim terrorist suspects because the nation has so damn many and is too swamped to do it alone	(66)
(wndu.com)	70-year old woman holds robber at gunpoint. Money quote: "Don't mess with the gray haired people"	(29)
	Chronology of Israel's relationship with Gaza: "Get up in the morning, death, death, death, death, death, death, death - lunch- death, death, death -afternoon tea - death, death, death - quick shower..."	(276)
	35 years after being shot, man dies from bullet wound	(42)
	UN: "Please don't blow up elementary schools we've designated as shelters." Israel: "PEWPEWPEW"	(339)
	Man throws new roommate a welcoming party, Cheney-style	(22)
	Wow, your Grandma can really shred: "The success of Guitar Hero means that the onus is now on the manufacturers of 'real' guitars to make them easier"	(256)
	Cross-dressing doctor who murdered his wife is found, well, hung	(34)
	Fark 10th Anniversary Party - Lexington KY Feb 13th. Details in link if you're on Facebook, in thread if you're not	(104)
	Restaurant brings Chicago-style ribs to Britain and the critics rave about the American delicacy: "This is, to put it simply, just so you don't forget, terribly bad food. And it's terribly bad food from the bad past."	(421)
(Some Guy)	The problem with promising your kids you'll buy a toy store if you win the lottery is you might actually win the lottery. Then your kids can discover adults lie (bonus use of word 'gobsmacked')	(31)
	Apparently "balancing on a giant bamboo pole" falls under the category of traditional firefighting skills in Japan	(34)
	Liar's Club has 2,000,000,000 members, and costs $1,000,000 to join and Jon Lovitz is the President	(74)
	Upside down and pantsless is no way to ride a ski lift, son. With hilarious photo goodness, of course(Not safe for work)	(175)
	Kiwi selling strawberries finds herself in a pickle when a crab apple tells her to produce cash, jewelry and cell phone. Lettuce hope it never happens again	(27)
	Vicar takes down crucifixion sculpture deemed to be "horrifying depiction of pain and suffering" because it scared worshippers. Just figured that out now, did you?	(113)
	After rash of heart attacks and severe fractures, hot physiotherapist shows Canadians how to shovel snow without injuring themselves	(72)
	British Atheists raise enough money to put anti-God statements on 800 more buses, which will no doubt convert as many people as "Jesus is my co-pilot" bumper stickers do	(565)
	Heavy drinking might be responsible for more sexual HIV transmission than illicit drugs, according to a new study by the Department of the Obvious	(52)
(The Register Citizen)	Rip Torn charged with DUI in Connecticut. This is not a repeat of 2004 and 2007. With mugshot goodness	(86)
(Some Guy)	Japan still conducting vital research into why whales die when they're harpooned, skinned and gutted	(82)
	Gas prices are lower than they were when Bush took office. Wait, what?	(138)
	Motorcyclists in Nigeria adopt to country's new mandatory helmet laws by wearing pumpkins on their heads	(88)
	Fat bottom girls make the rocking world go 'round, are healthier than pear shaped ones	(207)
	Man stops to ask for directions, is never heard from again. This is why we don't	(81)
	Caption this cheeky monkey	(62)
	Man receives $240,000 in compensation after being forced to cover Arabic t-shirt at airport because it was like "wearing a T-shirt at a bank stating, 'I am a robber.'"	(203)
	Adding insult to injury for Patriots fans, Hugo Chavez stops sending free heating oil to Boston	(61)
	"Dear Obama, Australia is killing the planet. Sincerely, NASA"	(289)
(Springfield News-Leader)	Today's 17 year old who slipped out of his handcuffs & stole the police car is brought to you by the Springfield (Missouri) PD	(46)
	Who is interested in a Fark party in Europe this year? Please feel free to suggest time of year and location. LGT Google Group	(113)
	Nanny State parents abandoning traditional fairy tales because making Cinderella do housework is sexist and "dwarf" isn't PC. Tossers	(149)
	Fire at London cannabis factory ties up 300 firefighters and 35 pizza delivery boys for several hours	(33)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this working woman	(39)
	As God is my witness, I thought dogs could hold their drink	(63)
	Free public access cable channels are going away. All I have to say about that is "asphinctersayswhat"	(101)
	Four-year-old victim of America's gun culture shoots his babysitter for stepping on his foot	(340)
	Pakistani woman given political asylum because she's 7'2" and fears persecution. That's a tall tale	(88)
	This week on "CSI: Paw Paw": CSI's crack investigators need only three weeks to figure out that the heart found in a local car wash belonged to a deer, not a human	(59)
	Stuff you don't want to find when sorting through your grandfather's belongings: 1. Pictures of a mistress. 2. Adoption papers. 3. A live mortar shell	(81)
(Some Guy)	A giant peach wasn't the only thing to drop in Atlanta on New Year's Eve	(49)
	Why dirt-cheap hotels like Travelodge are exactly that, with filthy toilets, stained mattresses and bedding a wino wouldn't sleep on	(202)

Monday, January 05, 2009

	Gas prices up for the first time in 16 weeks. EVERYBODY PANIC	(95)
	Photoshop Joaquin Phoen.......Oh holy hell	(78)
	If you're going to steal electricity from the power company, it's best not to decorate your house with the brightest Christmas lights in the neighborhood	(38)
(ABC27)	If someone pushes a baby carriage out in front of your car, don't stop -- it's probably a robbery attempt	(52)
	University dean hopes to embiggen the English language through Web site aimed at keeping "good" but rarely used words in the public lexicon. How perfectly cromulent of him	(93)
	Females are less physically active than males. Unless there's a sale on shoes	(106)
	Soldier may have been looking for a Cheesburger in Paradise, but Come Monday, he was dead after a bar fight over a Jimmy Buffet song	(74)
	After California police officers accidentally make unarmed man lie face down on the floor and accidentally handcuff him, one of them accidentally draws his gun and accidentally shoots the guy in the back	(675)
	With an average monthly income of $17 Raul Castro says Cubans can now build their own homes with their own money	(55)
	That strawberry yogurt you're eating has a bug in it. No, really. But the FDA doesn't really require that anyone tell you that	(165)
	Hey, four-eyes. A top expert says that teasing at school is a normal part of life and should not be stopped. You got that, brace face?	(112)
	Billy Mays and the other TV pitchmen are cleaning up better than a sheet of ShamWow during these tough economic times. This story is free - all you have to pay is a shipping and processing charge	(425)
(wxiatv.com)	The City of Atlanta is tackling its crack problems by making it illegal "to expose one's undergarments in a public setting."	(108)
	People raised an eyebrow when they heard Casey Anthony didn't report her child missing for over a month. These parents waited 10 years to report their missing 11-year-old. Or maybe 12, they're not really sure. Whatever	(122)
	MySanAntonio reader threatens to cancel subscription after spotting a picture of what he felt was a same-sex couple in newspaper, saying it wanted to make him "puke all over his breakfast table." Newspaper: "It wasn't"	(215)
	For Sale: Lexus. Comes with 5,500 square foot luxury home in Houston	(39)
(kenosha news)	News: Man diagnosed with inoperable brain tumor. Fark: "My only ray of hope right now is a clinical trial with the venom that's found in a giant, yellow scorpion in Israel"	(41)
	Another day, another nation closes its borders to a highly contagious haemorrhagic fever. Nothing to see here, move along	(59)
	Your parent is assassinated. Do you (a) Vow revenge, (b) Call for peace, or (c) put on a foreign accent and release a rap video on YouTube?	(55)
	Britain to start hacking people's PC's, planting keyloggers, looking for porn, lolcats	(146)
	Alright, stop, collaborate and listen. Boston's back with a brand new edition. 34 photos grab hold of you tightly, taken during day and some of them nightly. Ice Ice baby(NSFW pic of naked old man's bum)	(73)
	Today's Iron Photoshop ingredient is Dick Tracy	(76)
	McDnoald's, Bucksstar Coffee and Pizza Huh all open in China's newest knock-off shopping center. It's not news, it's Frak.cn	(210)
	Here's to you, Mr. Proverbial Gansta Pose Car Picture Taker	(233)
(Some Guy)	One in 10 young people feel life is meaningless and they get no pleasure from trespassing on other people's lawns with their pants sagging down to their ankles and listening to that noise they call 'rap music' any more	(138)
	Done with your Christmas tree? Bring it to the local park to be recycled. Tree must be decoration-free. ARTIFICIAL TREES NOT ACCEPTED	(70)
	After US Army lets felons and elderly sign up, it's only logical lardasses would be the next demographic waived in	(199)
	Nitro from "American Gladiators" speaks about life after steroids Bonus: Mention of "Man-Boobs" and "Breast-Chesticles" in first sentence	(123)
	Ace Hardware: Double ended male "adapters" are illegal, dangerous, a fire hazard, and possible [sic] immoral. Wait, what?	(264)
	That'll be $3.47 for the grapes, but no charge for the Black Widow spider	(84)
	Newark bans barbed-wire, much to the dismay of countless young men with cheesy, unoriginal bicep tattoos	(119)
(WJLA)	Women who play with fake babies, taking them to the park, out to eat, hosting birthday parties for them. "It's not a crazy habit ... It's like a hobby."	(253)
(Some Guy)	No more free beer at Busch Gardens. Everyone sad except for Mr. Roller Coaster Vomit Cleaner Guy	(99)
(Fairbanks Daily News-Miner)	Alaska trying to celebrate 50th anniversary of statehood, but it's TOO FRIGGIN COLD	(69)
	Hooters fires waitress who was a victim of domestic abuse, telling her that her bruised body violated company standards for maintaining a "glamorous appearance"	(266)
	The inventor of Hawaiian shirt has died. Jimmy Buffet inconsolable	(85)
	Not only are more people driving drunk, but they're driving twice as drunk as they were before	(74)
(Some Guy)	"'Missing white girl syndrome' continues to be one of the most pernicious expressions of our contemporary media culture"	(164)
	Cows may be sacred in India but they are still not allowed to work as air hostesses on Air India	(83)
	Media once again trots out the repeatedly debunked "divorce lawyers brace for busiest week of the year" story to mark the first week of January	(53)
	FBI spokesperson says coming up with nicknames for bank robbers is one of the more trying parts of the job. In other news, Farkers still looking for recent Spilled-Beer-on-the-Server bandit	(47)
	Council plans to spend £10,000 on "pigeon awareness day", because pooping on everybody's heads doesn't make them aware enough	(38)
	Ever wonder if terrorists could use insects to spread biological weapons? Well, now you are	(127)
	Brand new Terrorist target open for business in Baghdad	(55)
	First Family's cat latest advisor to leave the White House	(140)
	"Virginia is for Lovers" tourism slogan hits middle age and looks like it's been ridden hard and put away wet	(94)
	BBC marketing turns black character into white doll. Uppity daisy	(55)
	One thirds of Londons population has fled to rural areas due to uncontroled immigration. Rural areas now demand immigration controls	(101)
	Sick of being laughed at every time it walks into a bar, escaped horse decides to check out the local cinema instead	(35)
	Not news: Couple decide on African wedding. News: Police stop them at the train station. Fark: The couple are aged 6 and 7	(49)
	Local council declares that 18 inch deep kiddy's paddling pools need fully trained lifeguards patrolling them. Can you guess where?	(155)
(Irish Times)	China begins campaign to rid internet of pornography, currently delayed by problem of getting tanks into the tubes	(103)
	"Attention air traffic control, this is Delta. We have a drunk and unruly passenger on board. Requesting assistance." "Roger Delta. This is air traffic control. Uh, divert to Canada. Over and out."	(67)
	Former Grand View Motel proposes coffee served topless. Yep that's a grand view	(82)
	Premium tuna fetches $100,000 in Tokyo auction. To those who didn't win the auction -- sorry, Charlie	(50)
	Recession causes sagging business for breast-enhancement surgeons, resulting in drooping profits; docs fear a complete bust soon. Boobies	(100)
	Early converters of that cotton pickin' converter box thingy be learnin' that them there diggity pictures look pretty darn good. "I thought the wavy lines was 'cause of my drinkin, but naw. It's all real clear now."	(142)
	TSA workers report rashes from uniforms; doctors recommend applying 3.5 ounces or less of lotion to the affected area	(44)
	The ranks of homeschoolers have risen by 74 percent since 1999. You would have submitted this with a better headline, but your mom won't let you have a computer because it's a tool of the devil. Now wash your hands	(269)
	Researchers discover that married couples actually feel happier when their kids have finally packed up and stopped draining all of their resources. Who would have thought it?	(95)
	Not news: Couple gets married. Fark: 60 times	(23)
	Canadian city coping poorly with snow -- and it's the one every real Canadian suspected	(114)
	Plans to grant Christians free parking in a town could be blocked because councillors fear causing offence to other religions	(76)
	Photoshop this savvy shopper	(44)
	Nanny State bans artificial flowers on graves for "health and safety" reasons, presumably in case anyone is just mostly dead	(44)
	England's last remaining master cooper is really scraping the bottom of the barrel to find new trainees	(48)
	Why does water melt the Wicked Witch, but not Dorothy? Prof's research will answer this and other pressing Oz questions	(124)
	In a totally shocking discovery, The Daily Mail finds that drinks containing fruits sprayed with pesticide contain more pesticide than filtered water	(32)
(WCTV)	Convenience store robbed. Police arrest suspect who was at the end of a trail of popcorn which began at the robbed store	(31)
	How the Scallywags planned to beat the Nazis, once they'd finished scrapping with the Hooligans in Shaftesbury	(41)
	British families with children being bribed by the government to divorce	(52)
(Pothead Focker)	Not the best idea to drive the wrong way down a one-way street with 18 grand worth of weed	(42)